Pav and Sim came up with a phrase – ‘Dutch Butler’ – but what does it mean? Here are a few ideas:
A brutally chronic cyborg skank, with vicious altruistic tendencies towards bipeds without previous knowledge of the intimate workings of the theory of cod-to-batter ratios in chips shops in the north-west suburbs of Yeovil.
A relentless abuser of kind-hearted, old pregnant women (fertilised with the creamy residue of unnecessary technological advances in the early 21st century – turkey basted roughly up her), all as a primeval response to preserve his own seed and further his own embarrassingly wonky genetic line.
A tepid excuse for a variation of standard and safe sexual intercourse procedures:
The giver receives first, then gives and receives, then receives and tricks his/her partner into thinking they’re giving when, in fact, they’ve run to another room and called the fire brigade. The caller then receives and gives bi-oral stimulation, before giving a false address to the authorities. Steps 2 through B can be repeated if both participants are utterly exhausted; if not, then a game of chess is played to see who receives first, gives last and who calls a cab for the cameraman.
A variety of party blancmange, served up to hungry guests from the vagina of the host. Green in colour, bitter to the screaming tastebuds of the upper/mid gob, this Anglo-Baltic delicacy is certainly a required taste.
A quantum bastardisation of the phrase ‘Double Dutch’, meaning gibberish or minging poppycock, a ‘Dutch Butler’ talks too much sense. His every word has such a profound effect on the lug-holes of the public that they follow him mercilessly wherever he goes; camping under a burning hedge, gyrating in a factory or introducing a vole to his collection of ancient Glaswegian artefacts. Even the most pointless utterance is pounced upon by the hoard of lunatics as if he were a mixture of Jesus, Jim Morrison and Angus Carmichael. He coughed at a supermarket check-out once and the entire staff stopped what they were doing, walked out the door and formed a giant human pyramid – this was in 2004, they’re still there.
The turbot truth is that we don’t have the groggy foggiest …